Deep Underground with Raul Groom

Monday, September 27, 2004

OK, so after this morning's gun-jumping, let's move along to a story that is really quite funny, as long as, as usual, you ignore the depressing fact that due to this gross incompetence and obvious bald-faced lying, thousands of people have been killed with no end to the carnage in sight.

Here's an overly kind Reuters story called "Key Bush Assertions About Iraq in Dispute." Actually, if you read the article, there isn't much of a dispute. The dispute is between what Bush says and the facts.

For instance, Bush said we had over 100,000 Iraqi troops "fully trained and equipped." The Pentagon says there are actually less than 23,000 and that they have only received enough training to make them "minimally effective."

The Bush administration responded, not by saying Bush made a mistake, but by redefining the term "fully trained and equipped" to mean that they have gone through "initial basic operations training."

And actually, this is helping me a lot. Because since I've made the initial basic loan payments on my house, I now own it free and clear according to this new standard. I'm now referring all communications from my lender to the Defense Department.

And since I once watched "Serpico" I am now a fully-trained and equipped police officer who is also sexually irresistible. I once rapelled about 10 feet down a rock at great falls, so I am now a fully-trained and equipped world-class mountain climber.

This can work for you, too. Ever watched Emeril? You're a five-star chef! Taken a driver's test? You've won the Indianapolis 500 six times!

At long last, a solution to the nation's unemployment problems - once the resume implications of this new standard are fully realized, I'll be qualified to be CEO of Disney. After all, I've seen Snow White like 15 times.

See? It's funny, if you just forget about all the dead people. Shoo, dead people! You're ruining America's laugh riot! Shoo!

Now, one thing to keep in mind as you're laughing at your only president. The Pentagon said that only 23,000 soldiers had been through enough training to make them "minimally" effective. Which is not very effective, minimally effective. But the Bush Training Standard is apparently so expansive as to include at least 77,000 soldiers who have NOT received enough training to be "minimally effective." So to the Bush White House, the standard of "fully trained and equipped" falls far, far, far below the standard of "minimally effective."

Hey! George W. Bush is now "fully trained and equipped" to be President!


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